Lets Confess

Let me just give you a glimpse into what is floating through this brain as I approach a little getaway with my man friend....

My brain is no good when I am under 24 hours away from a vacation. They might as well send me home because I am doing little to no work.

I am already packed....

Is it weird that I look forward to 4 hours in a car with man friend? I like to really pick at his brain when we are trapped in a car, no distractions he is driving so he can't pretend he is distracted by whatever sporting event is on TV or whatever is happening on his Ipad. GOTCHA!

I really really really love that I finally got out of Kitsap county and I truly do not miss Silverdale one bit but I really really really miss that my sister isn't 20 minutes away and that all of my closest friends are 45 minutes away. Sometimes I just want to drive over to my Sarah's house and just sit on the couch with her and Chlo and thats not an option...it's something that requires planning.

Growing up is really lame. Gone are the days when I could stay out until 12 or 1 and then wake up at 6 and go to work. For. Get. It.

I learn more and more every day that my tolerance for stupidity is little to none. I don't got time for it.

I recently got a Betta fish for my desk and I am not going to lie he really spices up my day. I actually talk to my fish and he totally plays with me! My fish is pretty much a badass. (ps Man friend thinks I am insane for this)

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like they are a teenager stuck in an adult life? Sometimes I think about the fact that I am 27 and it blows my mind. HOW?

There are only 29 days until the first day of Watershed. HOLY. BALLS.

I want to go on a full on shopping spree at Ulta.

In the middle of the night I woke up and saw that my Roo Bear was laying in the middle of the bedroom belly up on his back. And I thought to myself, just like his mommy.

Why is there never enough coffee in my cup?

How can I look so skinny in some pictures but large and in charge in others... its a cruel trick.

I am truly terrified of having a not cute baby one day. Like what happens if your baby isnt cute? Do you not even realize it? God I hope my friends tell me if my baby isnt cute...

I love that manfriend is a little older. He hates that I call him a silver fox...but he totally is....

It's only 10 am... YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME....

If you asked me a year ago if I thought that I would be living 45 minutes from the town i grew up in with a friend from college and a real life boyfriend I would have told you that you were nuts. But I am. And it is mostly great.

If you would have told me that I would still be working for FHS a year ago at this time I would have told you that this was a cruel cruel world. But that was then and this is now and I'm pretty happy in my plain ole cubicle with my two computer screens trying to figure out how to make this EMR thing work out.

Growing Pains

It seems like every time I hop on Facebook or twitter or buzzfeed or one of the other million and a half websites I troll daily I see some post about "What I learned in my 20's" or "Things I gave up in my 30's" or "How my friendships changed after college".

Some of them are relevant. And some of them hit home. Some of them remind me of the things I should spend more time focusing on. Others make me just want to smack the shit out of whoever thought it was a good idea to tell a whole demographic what life should look like.

I mean, how on earth are these supposed to be actual guidelines that people look to? No two stories are alike. I mean hell I am 27. I have lost friends to tragic death but never a family member. I have loved and lost. I have no children. I didnt land my "career" until 8 months ago.

Yet Sally Sue down the street has been working in her career for the last 5 years, is married has 3 kids and owns a house.

There is absolutely no way in hell that our lives look alike. At all. I mean sure we might both like to drink wine or go shopping. We might both wish that we had more time for the people we love. But how dare anyone sit on their cushy computer chair or their hipster stool and tell me what is ESSENTIAL that I figure out in my 20's. Or what I should expect in my 30's.

Take for example my sister and I. I adore her, she is the greatest big sister in the universe. But our lives couldnt be any different. We grew up in the same home, with the same parents, we endured the same sort of crazy from our mother. We both like the same foods, drinks, places etc. We sound identical. She is my best friend. A complete copy of my heart. But our stories are oh so very different.

At 27 my sister had been married for 7 years. With her Husband for 10+ years total. Had a 5 year old and was getting ready for a baby. They owned a house. She hadn't quite found her niche as far as a career goes. She was strong, she had worked her way from nothing with her husband to build a life. And she had a sister who freeloaded off of her whenever she was in town.

I'm 27. Been married and divorced. Never owned a house. No kids. Have 3 roommates.

Our 30's look exceptionally different. And thats ok. If we all had a blueprint to follow life would be so boring. I can't imagine a world where there are guidelines of exactly what every phase of life will contain. And I dont ever want to fit into that mold.

I guess what I am trying to say is, thats the beautiful thing about life, its full of bumps and curves. Its completely unique and each and everyone of us gets to be the grand orchestrator, the artist, the writer of our very own story.

I have a hangover

But not the kind you think.
The wedding is over.
And now I am beside myself...

What does one do now that they are done spending a year of their life planning an epic day?
Just like that in a blink of an eye my duties as maid of honor are done...

And I have nothing to craft...
No reason to spend countless hours on the wedding section of pinterest.
No one to advise and help make decisions.
I'm at a loss as to what to do with all this free time and free thoughts...


But yet I am so relieved.
It's over.
And it was perfect.
And the bride was stunning and the groom was as handsome as could be.

The drinks were flowing, the food was delicious and everyone had the time of their lives.

However....now it looks like I need to find something to do with myself...

The one named Avrey

Dear Avrey,

What does one tell a little girl who believes she already has all the answers? That seems to have always been a challenge with you. Right from the start you have been so sure of yourself, of your wants and desires that there is truly no convincing you of anything else. You are too smart to be tricked, to stubborn to be persuaded. But this determination and stubbornness is one of my favorite things about you. And this should be one of your favorite things about yourself. One day when you enter the working world you will take it by storm and you wont let anyone but you or your ideas in a box. Your auntie Ashley wishes that she was more like that.

You have the most beautiful smile and it warms my heart each and everytime I see it on your face. Your smile covers the wall by my desk and it surely helps on a rough day at work to look up and see you smiling back at me. Avrey you bring so much joy to all of us.

You are such a contrast from your big sister and as much as you challenge us you are a breath of fresh air. You love to laugh, run, jump and play. You don't care if its cold or wet you just like to be free. You have adored playing in the water from the moment your toes touched the water! Your spirit is unbreakable and I adore that about you.

Avrey, it is my one and only hope for you that you truly understand how special and unique you are. Your laugh is contagious. Your spirit is an inspiration. Your will is unbreakable. Your beauty is breathtaking. You are loved beyond measure by your family and of course the Lord. I will encourage you to push yourself harder and harder each day of your life. I will encourage you to never give up. And in this case my sweet love you truly can be and do whatever you want.

I can't believe 6 years has gone by since the day I anxiously waited all day to get the call that you had arrived. I was worried that maybe it wasn't possible to love anyone else the way I loved your big sister. It was such an intense all encomapssing love and how could it be possible to love more than one person that much. Oh how wrong was I? You wouldnt have it any other way. You require nothing but a full, unconditional love and you deserve nothing else but that for all the days of your life. You gave your mamma a run for her money before you were even born and you didn't let up after you entered our lives. You have tested us all beyond measure and I have a feeling you will continue to do it for the rest of your life but no one can say you are boring my love.

As frustrating and challenging as you can be when you are truly set on something, your loves and cuddles are enough to mend any frustration. All it takes is a hug and a " I love you soo much" and all is well again. I could spend all day cuddled up with you watching movies about puppies or monkeys. It is infact the best day when I get to spend the day with you. Don't ever lose that fire Avrey but remember to have a kind and gentle heart along the way.

I love you my sweet little mini me monster. You are so beautiful and full of life. God truly blessed me when He made me your Auntie. I will always be here for you, no matter the time, no matter the distance, no matter the issue.  Happy Birthday little girl.

 Love,
Auntie

Do you really know me?

So a long long long time ago there was this huge trend going around the blogs. It was a post called "if you really knew me" and then everyone did it about their husbands, dogs, babies, best friends mothers etc. I had my share in the trend here, and here.

Isn't it interesting to look back at who you thought you were? Thats my favorite part of this blog. I documented the person I was 2 years ago and now I can go back read it and laugh at myself.

So after reading those posts I thought is that who I am still?

The answer is no. I mean yes and no. Some of those things still hold true but mostly I am so different and ain't it crazy what 2 years can do?

 

  So lets talk about what you would know if you "really" knew me.

If you really knew me you would know that I am so sensitive. It takes barely anything to hurt my feelings IF you are someone I care about. If you are a stranger keep on keepin on buddy it aint no thang. On the other hand if I love you I will over analyze ever single piece of everything and often find some reason to be hurt. Terrible trait I know.

If you really knew me  you would know that I am a crazy dog mom. On a recent trip to California I was gone for 5 days and on the 2nd day I made my boyfriend put me on speaker phone so that I could talk to my dogs. Yes talk to them. And then I proceeded to ask him if they were excited to hear my voice. The answer is yes.

If you really knew me you would know that I am in fact terrified of snakes and pregnancy. Snakes is a full blown phobia and pregnancy just scares the shit out of me. Manfriend chased me with a Gardner snake a few days ago and you would have thought an axe murderer was after me. A hole.

If you really knew me you would know that I hate exercise. Like really hate it. I like activities, gymnastics, softball etc but stick me on a treadmill and I am seriously so uninterested. And those workout endorphines? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

If you really knew me you would know I am a complete replica of Papa Chuck. Which is a blessing and a curse. I mean honestly this guy is kind of a piece of work.

If you really knew me you would know that I have a secret identity and that she comes out when I drink a bit too much... You might have heard about her.

If you really knew me you would know that I live and breathe for my nieces and nephews. They are my sun and stars. They are the light in the darkness. I would do anything for those kids.

If you really knew me you would know that loyalty means more to me than anything else. I will be loyal to you until the end of me. I will fight for your honor, I will support you, I will love you through the rough spots. But I expect the exact same thing back.

If you really knew me you would know that I am a tiny bit dramatic and slightly on the loud side...

If you really knew me you would know that I basically only listen to country music. Pandora=country, car radio=country, itunes=country, cd player=country. Sorry bout it.

If you really knew me you would know that I am a fighter. Life is rough sometimes but as hard as it can be at times I will not be kept down!

If you really knew me you would know that I love food and I love to cook. Creating something delicious and appealing on a plate is a stress reliever for me. If its been a rough week you can find me in the kitchen over the weekend. Its like second nature I don't have to think I just move.

 

If you really knew me you would know that I love the Seahawks. And I have since I was a kid, while the NFL isn't my first football choice, GO BIG RED, I do fancy my hawks and I especially fancy my main man Dougy Fresh!

 

I told you so...

This is your public opportunity to tell me "I told you so".
I am standing up and confessing that I was wrong.
You were right (you know who YOU are)
And it pains me to admit it.
But I can't deny it for even one tiny little millisecond.

Remember when I told all of you this little story about babies?  And then some people agreed and supported me. And some people said I used to feel that way, and some people said You will change your mind.

Well damn me. I have changed my mind. You were right. I needed to find the right person at the right time to show me how beautiful having children could be.

Now hold your horses everyone, NO I AM NOT KNOCKED UP. Childbirth still scares the living bejesus out of me, my IUD is still securely in place thank you very much and the manfriend and I are NO WHERE close to being ready to start trying to make a hairy little wolverine baby.

What that does mean is that I have found a person who I want to make a father. Does that make sense? Watching this man with children melts my heart and it would be a complete injustice to the world for him not to be a father. I want to make him a father some day when we are married and my uterus is on the verge of shriveling up and dying. Because he is going to be amazing. Like hold the phone adorable. Like this man was made to be a father sort of amazing. (which duh thats what God made us for but whatevs)

I don't know when it happened but somewhere along the last 8 months of being with manfriend the conversation of children came up (who am I kidding he asked me like 2 weeks in how I felt about having kids) and I said, well I could live without ever being a mom thats for sure. And he said I need to have kids. And for a minute I went into panic mode.

"How is this ever going to work? I don't want to push a human out of me?!?!"
"Oh dear lord I finally found a hot to trot hard working, real man and now this???"

It went on don't you worry but I will save you the glory of my anxiety ridden mind. And then I saw him with my nieces when we had a sleepover and I just knew. I would make this man a father, I love him far too much not to give him the things he desires and this is a thing I can do. Does it scare me to death to think this... UM HELLO HAVE YOU READ MY BLOG.... Does it totally piss me off that all of you were right and I was wrong. Well yeah  a lot infact. But, BUT one day, if that day comes, and he and I decide to have a little hairy wolverine baby (look we all know I am practically a grizzley bear and the manfriend aint lacking in the bodyhair department either) it will be loved, it will be cared for, I will endure 9 months of terrifying pregnancy and then push that watermelon out if I must and I will be oh so happy when I see that wolvering and especially when I watch manfriend melt with that little wolverine in his hands.

I mean honestly?

Tell me your ovaries arent exploding?

Sometimes Silence is Golden....

How many times have I said that I am sorry for dropping off the map?
How many times have I made 101 excuses as to why this little blog has seen so little of me?
Too many to count thats all I know.

But you know what I don't have any excuses.
The only reason why I haven't blogged is simply because I didn't want to.
I wanted to spend hours curled up in bed with my boyfriend.
I wanted to spend hours crafting, planning, making my best friends wedding a reality.
I wanted to spend hours watching tv.
I wanted to spend hours creating yummy food.

This blog became a chore, something  I was doing out of obligation, because if I wanted it to be good I had to write every day. I had to spend 2+hours creating a post.

And if anyone knows me they know I don't like to do anything because I HAVE TO.
So I didn't.
And I enjoyed life.
And I frolicked.
And I did nothing.
And I did a lot of things.

But then a few weeks ago the boyfriend moved in with me.
And things got weird.
I started to feel like a housewife.
I started to feel like all I did was cook, clean, grocery shop, repeat.
All the while working my 40+ hour a week job.
And I realized I don't do anything for me.
I cook for me, yes that is true, but when you have another person relying on you for dinner its different.
I did laundry, I did dishes, I made beds, I mopped and sweeped.
I grocery shopped (which oddly enough is one of my most favorite shopping trips).
I crafted and I planned for a wedding that isn't mine.
I did a lot for other people.
And granted manfriend is basically a dream because he does dishes every night without being asked and the majority of the time he does his own laundry. The man has the patience of a saint and I adore him so don't let me make you feel like he is taking advantage.
But what was I doing for ME?
I wasn't writing.
I wasn't exercising. (because why would I? I hate exercise...)
I wasn't cooking for me for fun. (thanks diet you suck)
I was taking care of everything and everyone but I was getting lost in the mean time.
And that my friends is a tragedy.

When I got married all those years ago... 7 to be exact. I got lost. I lost myself in the idea that I was a wife and my sole purpose was to take care of my husband and my home. I lost my friends, I lost my identity and I definitely lost my voice. I vowed on the day I left that I would NEVER EVER be in that place again.

Yet I have found myself 7 years later lost. And I refuse to go wandering down this road for too long. If I am going to be lost its going to be in the right direction.

I want to write. For me, for you to read but mostly so I don't ruin my relationship because I feel so trapped and like I am "just over here cooking, cleaning, and taking care of EVERYTHING" because I am not, I truly am not but it feels that way when your day becomes nothing but a routine.

I want to exercise. Yes I want to exercise. So I feel good about this body God has given me. I need to take care of it and keep it going.

I want to get lost in Him again. Its been far too long since my heart has spoken to God. It has been far too long since I listened to His teachings. It has been far too long since I was lost in His love. And that is a crying shame because I know how good HE is. I know but I have been too selfish and lazy to seek him.

I don't know how you mama's do it. I don't know how you juggle your needs and desires with a baby, 2 babies, 18 babies and a husband.

I do know that I will try to write. For me, for you to read, to feel connected to something meaningful. I do know it wont be 5 days a week. I make no promises. I make no promises that it will even be worth reading either! But I want to. I want to so badly.

Stay tuned chicken nuggets.