Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Dear Crashley,

Dear Crashley,

I hate to break it to you but you are now 26 years OLD. Not young. Old. It is time my friend to make some hard fast changes in life. First of all you should clean out your closet. I mean you still have things hangin in that mother from highschool. Yes highschool. I hate to break it to you but your pink pumas are not awesome any more. Second you should probably also try to ween yourself off of sleeping with that stuffed dog and pig from highschool... on second thought nah. You need those little muffins.

Next thing on my list to address with you is your complete and utter obsession with pajamas. I mean you own more pajamas than high heels. Also it is time you start waking up at a reasonable hour and stop hiting the snooze button 17 times. You do have to look like an adult when you go to work. Speaking of being an adult you should try this crazy thing adults do called exercise. Yeah I know it's "not your thing" but you know what else is not your thing? Having an ass the size of Texas.




I know you have high hopes that Hunter Hayes is magically going to fall madly in love with you at first glance but I think we might need to lower our standards a pinch. I know I know... it's hard when  you know that you were made for someone but it might be time to move on to a more realistic goal like Craig Gentry with the Texas Rangers, that might be a more reasonable choice.


Also you should know that your love for Justin Bieber is okay. It will soon be shown that the Biebs is here to stay. I know he is hitting a rough patch but it will be okay. Just stay strong.


Crashley I will say this I am incredibly proud of you for managing to have an iphone for over a year now and only misplacing it once and it was recovered even! You go girlfriend! That might be a new record for you for sure! You might even be allowed to get a big girl camera soon if you keep up the good work.

There has been something I have been meaning to bring up to you... I know it is a sensitive subject but it might be time to discuss your love affair with Jack. As in Jack Daniels. I know you just can't say no to him when he is calling your name on a Saturday night but sometimes you have to learn to say no. You have to stop wearing your wishbone where your back bone should be. Man up and put that sweet, sultry man in his place. You don't always have to spend your Saturday night wrapped in his embrace.


All in all Crashley I am pretty proud of you, you have made a lot of progress in your last 2 years since the ole' divorce. Keep up the good work short stuff and keep on keepin on!





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