Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Dear Future Mr. Mess of Chaos

So Stephanie over at Bourbon and Glitter, kind of a genius. And by kind of I mean full blown. She wrote a letter to her future husband as a warning. And I have to steal it. That is all there is to it folks. It's that badass. Except I don't know if I ever want to get married again... maybe I just want a domestic partner? Anyway I'll figure that out when I meet someone who I would like to keep around longer than a few days.

Dear future Mr. Mess of Chaos,

Let's start this off by me saying you must be a saint if you managed to put a ring on it. I mean I might be the most difficult person in the history of dating to tie down. Commitment phobe? That doesn't even begin to sum it up. I change how I feel as much as Elizabeth Taylor changed husbands. Probably even more frequent than that. Bitches be Cray is all I have to say about that.

You are probably well aware of the fact that I quite honestly hate laundry. If you wanted to make me the happiest wife in the world you will either love to fold laundry or you will hire someone to do it for me. Otherwise be aware your clothes will be in a pile on the floor/couch/laundry room. That will never change so don't even try.

You better like to exercise cuz momma loves to cook. And not that healthy paleo bs. I am talking comfort food meat and potatoes. So you better get youself to a gym unless you plan on being a grade a fat ass which lez be honest that aint gonna fly. So you eat and then work out got it? Oh and don't even think about trying to force me to a gym.

Rooskey and Bella. I promise you that if you lay one hand on these little nuggets death will come for you and swiftly. Very swiftly. You better act like you love small dogs more than you love your mother. Those are my babies and if you plan on being my mister you better get on board.

I don't do confrontation. I don't mean that I can't talk about my problems because I totally can. I can totally let you know when you hurt my feelings, pist me off or made me the happiest girl in a million years. But the moment I feel trapped in a corner or you raise your voice or you are too near me when you are getting upset I will become a full blown snapping turtle or perhaps one of those poison spitting raptors. I can't. I have been there done that and if you can't communicate with me appropriately you gots to go.

I love to consume copius amounts of booze on days that start with the letter F and S. And if you gots a problem with that then we gots a problem. Girlfreeeennnn needs her nectar.

I like pet names. A lot. Be prepared to be called some of the following: muffin, lovebug, loverpants, lover bear, babe, cupcake, dear, lovey etc. Also a specific nickname will be given to you that is only used as your name under my contacts, on my blog and in conversation with friends.

Kids. Nope. That's all I gotta say about that.

But let me say this, one night very recently after my divorce I was reading the book Eat, Pray, Love and something happened to me. I read this page and I got it, so if I love you it will look a whole lot like this:
 
"Moreover, I have boundary issues with men...to have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place right? But I disappear into the person I love....if I love you, you can have everything. you can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dogs money, my dogs time- everything......I will give you all this and more until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else. I do not relay these facts about myself with pride but this is how its always been."
 
Sincerely,
The crazy girl that you gave a diamond to

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