Sunday, June 24, 2012

Oh you'll change your mind....

I am about to broach a topic that is a bit "Taboo".... one that people constantly fight with me about and that they just can't seem to understand when I try to explain. Often I am made to  feel like I am doing something wrong by making this choice, or that I am less of a woman. Today I will try to more clearly explain why I make the choice I make and why its right for me. I warn you this may be long...

But you would make such a great mom! This is the typical response I get when I make the taboo statement that I in fact do not want to be a mother. Or the ever classic “You’ll change your mind, just wait until you find the right person”. I cannot, in any more clear of a way, express to the people in my life why I do not want children other than I am selfish. It is true; I love the fact that I get to make decisions based solely on my own desires. Does this make me a bad person? Does it make me a bad woman?  I don’t think so. I like to think that my familiar-ness with myself and my ability to declare something so firmly that is considered “taboo” makes me quite intelligent. I realize that my desire to sleep in on a Saturday afternoon outweighs my desire to be a mother. I also realize that I do not in any way envy my friends and family that have to make plans based on their children. Not to mention my complete horror and terror when I think of pregnancy and childbirth. It literally scares me to death.
I think it became alarmingly clear to me that I didn’t need to be a mother shortly after my marriage ended. Of course many think that I am declaring this out of crisis, but I can honestly state that very soon after my then husband and I filed for divorce it became alarmingly clear that what I had imagined to be the “perfect” life you know; 1 husband +2 kids+ white picket fence; might actually be something that isn’t for everyone…aka me! I had always imagined my future to be the “all American life”. When that moment of “you’re life isn’t going to be what you think it is” hit me I realized something; its ok. You don’t have to have the life you thought you wanted. You can change your mind. You can do it differently. And you know what, I am ok with that. And you know what else? The longer we have been apart the more I realize that what I thought I wanted isn't really what I want at all. Could I change my mind some day down the road? Certainly, but I do not foresee this happening. Hell the only person in my family that truly believes me regarding of these statements is my sister because she knows me well enough to understand that I mean business.
Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. I die for my nieces and nephews. They are my whole world. Well not my whole world because let’s not forget that I am selfish! But I love them more than I love anything else in this entire world. I find myself longing to play an active role in their lives from now until forever. When I hold one of them in my arms I am filled with an undeniable love. I have never felt anything like the love I have for each one of them. But guess what? I love them this way because they AREN’T mine. I know that I get to give them back. That on Saturday night I don’t have to worry about whether I will be able to wake up on Sunday morning and take care of a 4 year old or a newborn. And guess what? IT’S AWESOME. I worked at a preschool I raised 30 kids for 2 years. I know how much work kids are, I know how incredibly rewarding they are, I know how they can totally melt your heart in an instant. But I also know that I love to travel, I love to explore the world, I love to do and be free. I love that I have the world at my feet and it is mine to pursue. So sue me I don’t want to be a mom. Instead I want to be the best Aunt in the entire world. I want to pursue my dreams; I want to fall in love with the world. I want to explore each and every nook and cranny of myself. I want to delight in myself and indulge myself in the process. I want to be selfish. I like to be selfish. I do not for one moment feel guilty about this.
So when I say with conviction that no I don’t want kids; I beg of you please do not judge me. Please do not look at me like I am “less of a woman”. Please do not look at me like I am foolish. Look at me with the very same respect I have for each of you mommies in the world. You are amazing, wonderful, beautiful people. You have the ability to give yourself up for another human. How amazing are you? But guess what I am kind of amazing too… I know enough about myself and my desires to do something that this world thinks is wrong. I am amazing enough to not do what “society” says I should do and instead do what I feel like I am meant to do. I ask you this which is worse; the fact that I am a woman who doesn’t want to be a mother or a woman who knows she shouldn’t be a mother becoming one? I would never ever want to bring a child into this world if I didn’t want that child with every single piece of my soul. It’s like it was said in Eat Pray Love (one of my most favorite books of all time btw) “Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love and dear friends and family I just am not certain.
And now to prove I do in fact love kids...


Avrey's 3rd birthday


Holding Hudson for the first time

I love him.

Harley in Hawaii



Gavin is such a sweetheart


Do you guys still love me?

Love ya Nuggets thanks for hearin me out!
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