Let me just give you a glimpse into what is floating through this brain as I approach a little getaway with my man friend....
My brain is no good when I am under 24 hours away from a vacation. They might as well send me home because I am doing little to no work.
I am already packed....
Is it weird that I look forward to 4 hours in a car with man friend? I like to really pick at his brain when we are trapped in a car, no distractions he is driving so he can't pretend he is distracted by whatever sporting event is on TV or whatever is happening on his Ipad. GOTCHA!
I really really really love that I finally got out of Kitsap county and I truly do not miss Silverdale one bit but I really really really miss that my sister isn't 20 minutes away and that all of my closest friends are 45 minutes away. Sometimes I just want to drive over to my Sarah's house and just sit on the couch with her and Chlo and thats not an option...it's something that requires planning.
Growing up is really lame. Gone are the days when I could stay out until 12 or 1 and then wake up at 6 and go to work. For. Get. It.
I learn more and more every day that my tolerance for stupidity is little to none. I don't got time for it.
I recently got a Betta fish for my desk and I am not going to lie he really spices up my day. I actually talk to my fish and he totally plays with me! My fish is pretty much a badass. (ps Man friend thinks I am insane for this)
Is it just me or does anyone else feel like they are a teenager stuck in an adult life? Sometimes I think about the fact that I am 27 and it blows my mind. HOW?
There are only 29 days until the first day of Watershed. HOLY. BALLS.
I want to go on a full on shopping spree at Ulta.
In the middle of the night I woke up and saw that my Roo Bear was laying in the middle of the bedroom belly up on his back. And I thought to myself, just like his mommy.
Why is there never enough coffee in my cup?
How can I look so skinny in some pictures but large and in charge in others... its a cruel trick.
I am truly terrified of having a not cute baby one day. Like what happens if your baby isnt cute? Do you not even realize it? God I hope my friends tell me if my baby isnt cute...
I love that manfriend is a little older. He hates that I call him a silver fox...but he totally is....
It's only 10 am... YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME....
If you asked me a year ago if I thought that I would be living 45 minutes from the town i grew up in with a friend from college and a real life boyfriend I would have told you that you were nuts. But I am. And it is mostly great.
If you would have told me that I would still be working for FHS a year ago at this time I would have told you that this was a cruel cruel world. But that was then and this is now and I'm pretty happy in my plain ole cubicle with my two computer screens trying to figure out how to make this EMR thing work out.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Growing Pains
It seems like every time I hop on Facebook or twitter or buzzfeed or one of the other million and a half websites I troll daily I see some post about "What I learned in my 20's" or "Things I gave up in my 30's" or "How my friendships changed after college".
Some of them are relevant. And some of them hit home. Some of them remind me of the things I should spend more time focusing on. Others make me just want to smack the shit out of whoever thought it was a good idea to tell a whole demographic what life should look like.
I mean, how on earth are these supposed to be actual guidelines that people look to? No two stories are alike. I mean hell I am 27. I have lost friends to tragic death but never a family member. I have loved and lost. I have no children. I didnt land my "career" until 8 months ago.
Yet Sally Sue down the street has been working in her career for the last 5 years, is married has 3 kids and owns a house.
There is absolutely no way in hell that our lives look alike. At all. I mean sure we might both like to drink wine or go shopping. We might both wish that we had more time for the people we love. But how dare anyone sit on their cushy computer chair or their hipster stool and tell me what is ESSENTIAL that I figure out in my 20's. Or what I should expect in my 30's.
Take for example my sister and I. I adore her, she is the greatest big sister in the universe. But our lives couldnt be any different. We grew up in the same home, with the same parents, we endured the same sort of crazy from our mother. We both like the same foods, drinks, places etc. We sound identical. She is my best friend. A complete copy of my heart. But our stories are oh so very different.
At 27 my sister had been married for 7 years. With her Husband for 10+ years total. Had a 5 year old and was getting ready for a baby. They owned a house. She hadn't quite found her niche as far as a career goes. She was strong, she had worked her way from nothing with her husband to build a life. And she had a sister who freeloaded off of her whenever she was in town.
I'm 27. Been married and divorced. Never owned a house. No kids. Have 3 roommates.
Our 30's look exceptionally different. And thats ok. If we all had a blueprint to follow life would be so boring. I can't imagine a world where there are guidelines of exactly what every phase of life will contain. And I dont ever want to fit into that mold.
I guess what I am trying to say is, thats the beautiful thing about life, its full of bumps and curves. Its completely unique and each and everyone of us gets to be the grand orchestrator, the artist, the writer of our very own story.
Some of them are relevant. And some of them hit home. Some of them remind me of the things I should spend more time focusing on. Others make me just want to smack the shit out of whoever thought it was a good idea to tell a whole demographic what life should look like.
I mean, how on earth are these supposed to be actual guidelines that people look to? No two stories are alike. I mean hell I am 27. I have lost friends to tragic death but never a family member. I have loved and lost. I have no children. I didnt land my "career" until 8 months ago.
Yet Sally Sue down the street has been working in her career for the last 5 years, is married has 3 kids and owns a house.
There is absolutely no way in hell that our lives look alike. At all. I mean sure we might both like to drink wine or go shopping. We might both wish that we had more time for the people we love. But how dare anyone sit on their cushy computer chair or their hipster stool and tell me what is ESSENTIAL that I figure out in my 20's. Or what I should expect in my 30's.
Take for example my sister and I. I adore her, she is the greatest big sister in the universe. But our lives couldnt be any different. We grew up in the same home, with the same parents, we endured the same sort of crazy from our mother. We both like the same foods, drinks, places etc. We sound identical. She is my best friend. A complete copy of my heart. But our stories are oh so very different.
At 27 my sister had been married for 7 years. With her Husband for 10+ years total. Had a 5 year old and was getting ready for a baby. They owned a house. She hadn't quite found her niche as far as a career goes. She was strong, she had worked her way from nothing with her husband to build a life. And she had a sister who freeloaded off of her whenever she was in town.
I'm 27. Been married and divorced. Never owned a house. No kids. Have 3 roommates.
Our 30's look exceptionally different. And thats ok. If we all had a blueprint to follow life would be so boring. I can't imagine a world where there are guidelines of exactly what every phase of life will contain. And I dont ever want to fit into that mold.
I guess what I am trying to say is, thats the beautiful thing about life, its full of bumps and curves. Its completely unique and each and everyone of us gets to be the grand orchestrator, the artist, the writer of our very own story.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
I have a hangover
But not the kind you think.
The wedding is over.
And now I am beside myself...
What does one do now that they are done spending a year of their life planning an epic day?
Just like that in a blink of an eye my duties as maid of honor are done...
And I have nothing to craft...
No reason to spend countless hours on the wedding section of pinterest.
No one to advise and help make decisions.
I'm at a loss as to what to do with all this free time and free thoughts...
But yet I am so relieved.
It's over.
And it was perfect.
And the bride was stunning and the groom was as handsome as could be.
The drinks were flowing, the food was delicious and everyone had the time of their lives.
However....now it looks like I need to find something to do with myself...
The wedding is over.
And now I am beside myself...
What does one do now that they are done spending a year of their life planning an epic day?
Just like that in a blink of an eye my duties as maid of honor are done...
And I have nothing to craft...
No reason to spend countless hours on the wedding section of pinterest.
No one to advise and help make decisions.
I'm at a loss as to what to do with all this free time and free thoughts...
But yet I am so relieved.
It's over.
And it was perfect.
And the bride was stunning and the groom was as handsome as could be.
The drinks were flowing, the food was delicious and everyone had the time of their lives.
However....now it looks like I need to find something to do with myself...
Thursday, May 22, 2014
The one named Avrey
Dear Avrey,
What does one tell a little girl who believes she already has all the answers? That seems to have always been a challenge with you. Right from the start you have been so sure of yourself, of your wants and desires that there is truly no convincing you of anything else. You are too smart to be tricked, to stubborn to be persuaded. But this determination and stubbornness is one of my favorite things about you. And this should be one of your favorite things about yourself. One day when you enter the working world you will take it by storm and you wont let anyone but you or your ideas in a box. Your auntie Ashley wishes that she was more like that.
You have the most beautiful smile and it warms my heart each and everytime I see it on your face. Your smile covers the wall by my desk and it surely helps on a rough day at work to look up and see you smiling back at me. Avrey you bring so much joy to all of us.
You are such a contrast from your big sister and as much as you challenge us you are a breath of fresh air. You love to laugh, run, jump and play. You don't care if its cold or wet you just like to be free. You have adored playing in the water from the moment your toes touched the water! Your spirit is unbreakable and I adore that about you.
Avrey, it is my one and only hope for you that you truly understand how special and unique you are. Your laugh is contagious. Your spirit is an inspiration. Your will is unbreakable. Your beauty is breathtaking. You are loved beyond measure by your family and of course the Lord. I will encourage you to push yourself harder and harder each day of your life. I will encourage you to never give up. And in this case my sweet love you truly can be and do whatever you want.
I can't believe 6 years has gone by since the day I anxiously waited all day to get the call that you had arrived. I was worried that maybe it wasn't possible to love anyone else the way I loved your big sister. It was such an intense all encomapssing love and how could it be possible to love more than one person that much. Oh how wrong was I? You wouldnt have it any other way. You require nothing but a full, unconditional love and you deserve nothing else but that for all the days of your life. You gave your mamma a run for her money before you were even born and you didn't let up after you entered our lives. You have tested us all beyond measure and I have a feeling you will continue to do it for the rest of your life but no one can say you are boring my love.
As frustrating and challenging as you can be when you are truly set on something, your loves and cuddles are enough to mend any frustration. All it takes is a hug and a " I love you soo much" and all is well again. I could spend all day cuddled up with you watching movies about puppies or monkeys. It is infact the best day when I get to spend the day with you. Don't ever lose that fire Avrey but remember to have a kind and gentle heart along the way.
I love you my sweet little mini me monster. You are so beautiful and full of life. God truly blessed me when He made me your Auntie. I will always be here for you, no matter the time, no matter the distance, no matter the issue. Happy Birthday little girl.
Love,
Auntie
What does one tell a little girl who believes she already has all the answers? That seems to have always been a challenge with you. Right from the start you have been so sure of yourself, of your wants and desires that there is truly no convincing you of anything else. You are too smart to be tricked, to stubborn to be persuaded. But this determination and stubbornness is one of my favorite things about you. And this should be one of your favorite things about yourself. One day when you enter the working world you will take it by storm and you wont let anyone but you or your ideas in a box. Your auntie Ashley wishes that she was more like that.
You have the most beautiful smile and it warms my heart each and everytime I see it on your face. Your smile covers the wall by my desk and it surely helps on a rough day at work to look up and see you smiling back at me. Avrey you bring so much joy to all of us.
You are such a contrast from your big sister and as much as you challenge us you are a breath of fresh air. You love to laugh, run, jump and play. You don't care if its cold or wet you just like to be free. You have adored playing in the water from the moment your toes touched the water! Your spirit is unbreakable and I adore that about you.
Avrey, it is my one and only hope for you that you truly understand how special and unique you are. Your laugh is contagious. Your spirit is an inspiration. Your will is unbreakable. Your beauty is breathtaking. You are loved beyond measure by your family and of course the Lord. I will encourage you to push yourself harder and harder each day of your life. I will encourage you to never give up. And in this case my sweet love you truly can be and do whatever you want.
I can't believe 6 years has gone by since the day I anxiously waited all day to get the call that you had arrived. I was worried that maybe it wasn't possible to love anyone else the way I loved your big sister. It was such an intense all encomapssing love and how could it be possible to love more than one person that much. Oh how wrong was I? You wouldnt have it any other way. You require nothing but a full, unconditional love and you deserve nothing else but that for all the days of your life. You gave your mamma a run for her money before you were even born and you didn't let up after you entered our lives. You have tested us all beyond measure and I have a feeling you will continue to do it for the rest of your life but no one can say you are boring my love.
As frustrating and challenging as you can be when you are truly set on something, your loves and cuddles are enough to mend any frustration. All it takes is a hug and a " I love you soo much" and all is well again. I could spend all day cuddled up with you watching movies about puppies or monkeys. It is infact the best day when I get to spend the day with you. Don't ever lose that fire Avrey but remember to have a kind and gentle heart along the way.
I love you my sweet little mini me monster. You are so beautiful and full of life. God truly blessed me when He made me your Auntie. I will always be here for you, no matter the time, no matter the distance, no matter the issue. Happy Birthday little girl.
Love,
Auntie
Friday, May 16, 2014
Do you really know me?
So a long long long time ago there was this huge trend going around the blogs. It was a post called "if you really knew me" and then everyone did it about their husbands, dogs, babies, best friends mothers etc. I had my share in the trend here, and here.
Isn't it interesting to look back at who you thought you were? Thats my favorite part of this blog. I documented the person I was 2 years ago and now I can go back read it and laugh at myself.
So after reading those posts I thought is that who I am still?
The answer is no. I mean yes and no. Some of those things still hold true but mostly I am so different and ain't it crazy what 2 years can do?
If you really knew me you would know that I am so sensitive. It takes barely anything to hurt my feelings IF you are someone I care about. If you are a stranger keep on keepin on buddy it aint no thang. On the other hand if I love you I will over analyze ever single piece of everything and often find some reason to be hurt. Terrible trait I know.
If you really knew me you would know that I am a crazy dog mom. On a recent trip to California I was gone for 5 days and on the 2nd day I made my boyfriend put me on speaker phone so that I could talk to my dogs. Yes talk to them. And then I proceeded to ask him if they were excited to hear my voice. The answer is yes.
If you really knew me you would know that I am in fact terrified of snakes and pregnancy. Snakes is a full blown phobia and pregnancy just scares the shit out of me. Manfriend chased me with a Gardner snake a few days ago and you would have thought an axe murderer was after me. A hole.
If you really knew me you would know that I hate exercise. Like really hate it. I like activities, gymnastics, softball etc but stick me on a treadmill and I am seriously so uninterested. And those workout endorphines? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
If you really knew me you would know I am a complete replica of Papa Chuck. Which is a blessing and a curse. I mean honestly this guy is kind of a piece of work.
If you really knew me you would know that I have a secret identity and that she comes out when I drink a bit too much... You might have heard about her.
If you really knew me you would know that I live and breathe for my nieces and nephews. They are my sun and stars. They are the light in the darkness. I would do anything for those kids.
If you really knew me you would know that loyalty means more to me than anything else. I will be loyal to you until the end of me. I will fight for your honor, I will support you, I will love you through the rough spots. But I expect the exact same thing back.
If you really knew me you would know that I am a tiny bit dramatic and slightly on the loud side...
If you really knew me you would know that I basically only listen to country music. Pandora=country, car radio=country, itunes=country, cd player=country. Sorry bout it.
If you really knew me you would know that I am a fighter. Life is rough sometimes but as hard as it can be at times I will not be kept down!
If you really knew me you would know that I love food and I love to cook. Creating something delicious and appealing on a plate is a stress reliever for me. If its been a rough week you can find me in the kitchen over the weekend. Its like second nature I don't have to think I just move.
Isn't it interesting to look back at who you thought you were? Thats my favorite part of this blog. I documented the person I was 2 years ago and now I can go back read it and laugh at myself.
So after reading those posts I thought is that who I am still?
The answer is no. I mean yes and no. Some of those things still hold true but mostly I am so different and ain't it crazy what 2 years can do?
So lets talk about what you would know if you "really" knew me.
If you really knew me you would know that I am so sensitive. It takes barely anything to hurt my feelings IF you are someone I care about. If you are a stranger keep on keepin on buddy it aint no thang. On the other hand if I love you I will over analyze ever single piece of everything and often find some reason to be hurt. Terrible trait I know.
If you really knew me you would know that I am a crazy dog mom. On a recent trip to California I was gone for 5 days and on the 2nd day I made my boyfriend put me on speaker phone so that I could talk to my dogs. Yes talk to them. And then I proceeded to ask him if they were excited to hear my voice. The answer is yes.
If you really knew me you would know that I am in fact terrified of snakes and pregnancy. Snakes is a full blown phobia and pregnancy just scares the shit out of me. Manfriend chased me with a Gardner snake a few days ago and you would have thought an axe murderer was after me. A hole.
If you really knew me you would know that I hate exercise. Like really hate it. I like activities, gymnastics, softball etc but stick me on a treadmill and I am seriously so uninterested. And those workout endorphines? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
If you really knew me you would know I am a complete replica of Papa Chuck. Which is a blessing and a curse. I mean honestly this guy is kind of a piece of work.
If you really knew me you would know that I have a secret identity and that she comes out when I drink a bit too much... You might have heard about her.
If you really knew me you would know that I live and breathe for my nieces and nephews. They are my sun and stars. They are the light in the darkness. I would do anything for those kids.
If you really knew me you would know that loyalty means more to me than anything else. I will be loyal to you until the end of me. I will fight for your honor, I will support you, I will love you through the rough spots. But I expect the exact same thing back.
If you really knew me you would know that I am a tiny bit dramatic and slightly on the loud side...
If you really knew me you would know that I basically only listen to country music. Pandora=country, car radio=country, itunes=country, cd player=country. Sorry bout it.
If you really knew me you would know that I am a fighter. Life is rough sometimes but as hard as it can be at times I will not be kept down!
If you really knew me you would know that I love food and I love to cook. Creating something delicious and appealing on a plate is a stress reliever for me. If its been a rough week you can find me in the kitchen over the weekend. Its like second nature I don't have to think I just move.
If you really knew me you would know that I love the Seahawks. And I have since I was a kid, while the NFL isn't my first football choice, GO BIG RED, I do fancy my hawks and I especially fancy my main man Dougy Fresh!
Thursday, May 15, 2014
I told you so...
This is your public opportunity to tell me "I told you so".
I am standing up and confessing that I was wrong.
You were right (you know who YOU are)
And it pains me to admit it.
But I can't deny it for even one tiny little millisecond.
Remember when I told all of you this little story about babies? And then some people agreed and supported me. And some people said I used to feel that way, and some people said You will change your mind.
Well damn me. I have changed my mind. You were right. I needed to find the right person at the right time to show me how beautiful having children could be.
Now hold your horses everyone, NO I AM NOT KNOCKED UP. Childbirth still scares the living bejesus out of me, my IUD is still securely in place thank you very much and the manfriend and I are NO WHERE close to being ready to start trying to make a hairy little wolverine baby.
What that does mean is that I have found a person who I want to make a father. Does that make sense? Watching this man with children melts my heart and it would be a complete injustice to the world for him not to be a father. I want to make him a father some day when we are married and my uterus is on the verge of shriveling up and dying. Because he is going to be amazing. Like hold the phone adorable. Like this man was made to be a father sort of amazing. (which duh thats what God made us for but whatevs)
I don't know when it happened but somewhere along the last 8 months of being with manfriend the conversation of children came up (who am I kidding he asked me like 2 weeks in how I felt about having kids) and I said, well I could live without ever being a mom thats for sure. And he said I need to have kids. And for a minute I went into panic mode.
"How is this ever going to work? I don't want to push a human out of me?!?!"
"Oh dear lord I finally found a hot to trot hard working, real man and now this???"
It went on don't you worry but I will save you the glory of my anxiety ridden mind. And then I saw him with my nieces when we had a sleepover and I just knew. I would make this man a father, I love him far too much not to give him the things he desires and this is a thing I can do. Does it scare me to death to think this... UM HELLO HAVE YOU READ MY BLOG.... Does it totally piss me off that all of you were right and I was wrong. Well yeah a lot infact. But, BUT one day, if that day comes, and he and I decide to have a little hairy wolverine baby (look we all know I am practically a grizzley bear and the manfriend aint lacking in the bodyhair department either) it will be loved, it will be cared for, I will endure 9 months of terrifying pregnancy and then push that watermelon out if I must and I will be oh so happy when I see that wolvering and especially when I watch manfriend melt with that little wolverine in his hands.
I am standing up and confessing that I was wrong.
You were right (you know who YOU are)
And it pains me to admit it.
But I can't deny it for even one tiny little millisecond.
Remember when I told all of you this little story about babies? And then some people agreed and supported me. And some people said I used to feel that way, and some people said You will change your mind.
Well damn me. I have changed my mind. You were right. I needed to find the right person at the right time to show me how beautiful having children could be.
Now hold your horses everyone, NO I AM NOT KNOCKED UP. Childbirth still scares the living bejesus out of me, my IUD is still securely in place thank you very much and the manfriend and I are NO WHERE close to being ready to start trying to make a hairy little wolverine baby.
What that does mean is that I have found a person who I want to make a father. Does that make sense? Watching this man with children melts my heart and it would be a complete injustice to the world for him not to be a father. I want to make him a father some day when we are married and my uterus is on the verge of shriveling up and dying. Because he is going to be amazing. Like hold the phone adorable. Like this man was made to be a father sort of amazing. (which duh thats what God made us for but whatevs)
I don't know when it happened but somewhere along the last 8 months of being with manfriend the conversation of children came up (who am I kidding he asked me like 2 weeks in how I felt about having kids) and I said, well I could live without ever being a mom thats for sure. And he said I need to have kids. And for a minute I went into panic mode.
"How is this ever going to work? I don't want to push a human out of me?!?!"
"Oh dear lord I finally found a hot to trot hard working, real man and now this???"
It went on don't you worry but I will save you the glory of my anxiety ridden mind. And then I saw him with my nieces when we had a sleepover and I just knew. I would make this man a father, I love him far too much not to give him the things he desires and this is a thing I can do. Does it scare me to death to think this... UM HELLO HAVE YOU READ MY BLOG.... Does it totally piss me off that all of you were right and I was wrong. Well yeah a lot infact. But, BUT one day, if that day comes, and he and I decide to have a little hairy wolverine baby (look we all know I am practically a grizzley bear and the manfriend aint lacking in the bodyhair department either) it will be loved, it will be cared for, I will endure 9 months of terrifying pregnancy and then push that watermelon out if I must and I will be oh so happy when I see that wolvering and especially when I watch manfriend melt with that little wolverine in his hands.
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| I mean honestly? |
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| Tell me your ovaries arent exploding? |
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Sometimes Silence is Golden....
How many times have I said that I am sorry for dropping off the map?
How many times have I made 101 excuses as to why this little blog has seen so little of me?
Too many to count thats all I know.
But you know what I don't have any excuses.
The only reason why I haven't blogged is simply because I didn't want to.
I wanted to spend hours curled up in bed with my boyfriend.
I wanted to spend hours crafting, planning, making my best friends wedding a reality.
I wanted to spend hours watching tv.
I wanted to spend hours creating yummy food.
This blog became a chore, something I was doing out of obligation, because if I wanted it to be good I had to write every day. I had to spend 2+hours creating a post.
And if anyone knows me they know I don't like to do anything because I HAVE TO.
So I didn't.
And I enjoyed life.
And I frolicked.
And I did nothing.
And I did a lot of things.
But then a few weeks ago the boyfriend moved in with me.
And things got weird.
I started to feel like a housewife.
I started to feel like all I did was cook, clean, grocery shop, repeat.
All the while working my 40+ hour a week job.
And I realized I don't do anything for me.
I cook for me, yes that is true, but when you have another person relying on you for dinner its different.
I did laundry, I did dishes, I made beds, I mopped and sweeped.
I grocery shopped (which oddly enough is one of my most favorite shopping trips).
I crafted and I planned for a wedding that isn't mine.
I did a lot for other people.
And granted manfriend is basically a dream because he does dishes every night without being asked and the majority of the time he does his own laundry. The man has the patience of a saint and I adore him so don't let me make you feel like he is taking advantage.
But what was I doing for ME?
I wasn't writing.
I wasn't exercising. (because why would I? I hate exercise...)
I wasn't cooking for me for fun. (thanks diet you suck)
I was taking care of everything and everyone but I was getting lost in the mean time.
And that my friends is a tragedy.
When I got married all those years ago... 7 to be exact. I got lost. I lost myself in the idea that I was a wife and my sole purpose was to take care of my husband and my home. I lost my friends, I lost my identity and I definitely lost my voice. I vowed on the day I left that I would NEVER EVER be in that place again.
Yet I have found myself 7 years later lost. And I refuse to go wandering down this road for too long. If I am going to be lost its going to be in the right direction.
I want to write. For me, for you to read but mostly so I don't ruin my relationship because I feel so trapped and like I am "just over here cooking, cleaning, and taking care of EVERYTHING" because I am not, I truly am not but it feels that way when your day becomes nothing but a routine.
I want to exercise. Yes I want to exercise. So I feel good about this body God has given me. I need to take care of it and keep it going.
I want to get lost in Him again. Its been far too long since my heart has spoken to God. It has been far too long since I listened to His teachings. It has been far too long since I was lost in His love. And that is a crying shame because I know how good HE is. I know but I have been too selfish and lazy to seek him.
I don't know how you mama's do it. I don't know how you juggle your needs and desires with a baby, 2 babies, 18 babies and a husband.
I do know that I will try to write. For me, for you to read, to feel connected to something meaningful. I do know it wont be 5 days a week. I make no promises. I make no promises that it will even be worth reading either! But I want to. I want to so badly.
Stay tuned chicken nuggets.
How many times have I made 101 excuses as to why this little blog has seen so little of me?
Too many to count thats all I know.
But you know what I don't have any excuses.
The only reason why I haven't blogged is simply because I didn't want to.
I wanted to spend hours curled up in bed with my boyfriend.
I wanted to spend hours crafting, planning, making my best friends wedding a reality.
I wanted to spend hours watching tv.
I wanted to spend hours creating yummy food.
This blog became a chore, something I was doing out of obligation, because if I wanted it to be good I had to write every day. I had to spend 2+hours creating a post.
And if anyone knows me they know I don't like to do anything because I HAVE TO.
So I didn't.
And I enjoyed life.
And I frolicked.
And I did nothing.
And I did a lot of things.
But then a few weeks ago the boyfriend moved in with me.
And things got weird.
I started to feel like a housewife.
I started to feel like all I did was cook, clean, grocery shop, repeat.
All the while working my 40+ hour a week job.
And I realized I don't do anything for me.
I cook for me, yes that is true, but when you have another person relying on you for dinner its different.
I did laundry, I did dishes, I made beds, I mopped and sweeped.
I grocery shopped (which oddly enough is one of my most favorite shopping trips).
I crafted and I planned for a wedding that isn't mine.
I did a lot for other people.
And granted manfriend is basically a dream because he does dishes every night without being asked and the majority of the time he does his own laundry. The man has the patience of a saint and I adore him so don't let me make you feel like he is taking advantage.
But what was I doing for ME?
I wasn't writing.
I wasn't exercising. (because why would I? I hate exercise...)
I wasn't cooking for me for fun. (thanks diet you suck)
I was taking care of everything and everyone but I was getting lost in the mean time.
And that my friends is a tragedy.
When I got married all those years ago... 7 to be exact. I got lost. I lost myself in the idea that I was a wife and my sole purpose was to take care of my husband and my home. I lost my friends, I lost my identity and I definitely lost my voice. I vowed on the day I left that I would NEVER EVER be in that place again.
Yet I have found myself 7 years later lost. And I refuse to go wandering down this road for too long. If I am going to be lost its going to be in the right direction.
I want to write. For me, for you to read but mostly so I don't ruin my relationship because I feel so trapped and like I am "just over here cooking, cleaning, and taking care of EVERYTHING" because I am not, I truly am not but it feels that way when your day becomes nothing but a routine.
I want to exercise. Yes I want to exercise. So I feel good about this body God has given me. I need to take care of it and keep it going.
I want to get lost in Him again. Its been far too long since my heart has spoken to God. It has been far too long since I listened to His teachings. It has been far too long since I was lost in His love. And that is a crying shame because I know how good HE is. I know but I have been too selfish and lazy to seek him.
I don't know how you mama's do it. I don't know how you juggle your needs and desires with a baby, 2 babies, 18 babies and a husband.
I do know that I will try to write. For me, for you to read, to feel connected to something meaningful. I do know it wont be 5 days a week. I make no promises. I make no promises that it will even be worth reading either! But I want to. I want to so badly.
Stay tuned chicken nuggets.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Being an Adult is not for me
I've decided after much thinking that being an adult is in-fact not for me. It is however for the birds.
I can think back to this time when I was a teenager filled with angst, bitterness and, the belief that once I was an adult life would be so easy. That I would have a say and that I would have all the solutions to the problems that plagued my poor tortured 17 year old soul.
God. How naive. While I wouldn't necessarily jump back into my 17 year old life by any means I do wish that 17 year old me would have been a bit more carefree and a lot less of a cranky bitch.
Lets take a moment to discuss why being an adult is in fact for the birds and not for me.
First of all I have a serious problem with laundry. I am required to wear fancy pants to work. Those fancy pants find themselves on the floor within 3 minutes and 37 seconds of my arrival home. Which means that I have multiple outfits in one day that require washing. I just can't begin to fathom why I am 27 years old and I have yet to get to a point in my life where someone else does my laundry. Laundry is honestly killing my soul.
Next bone that I have to pick is with taxes. I mean explain to me how it is actually okay that the government gets to take some where between 500-700 dollars out of my paycheck every 2 weeks???? How is this fair!!! How is this just! Ugh it is just unbelievable and I can't. I can't deal with it. Every time I see it on my electronic pay stub I cringe. I literally feel ill.
Buying toilet paper, shampoo, face products, razors, etc. Nothing screams you are an adult quite like having to spend your hard earned money on wrinkle cream. It's the worst feeling in the world to fork over my hard earned money for toilet paper. I want to travel, shop for awesome clothes yet I have to budget for these shitty required items. I miss the days when toilet paper appeared in the cabinet, shampoo was purchased for me and appeared in the shower. I long for the days when laundry detergent flowed from its plastic spout freely like a waterfall in Hawaii. Those were the days.
I find myself excited over sales. No not the half yearly sale at Nordstroms. Not the semi annual sale at Vics. I am talking about when you find a sale on chicken. Or perhaps your favorite yogurt. This is what my life has come to. Excitement over sales at the grocery store.
I am quite literally outraged if I am kept up past 10:15 on work nights. There is no explanation needed for this. Just no that I will literally loose it, I mean go bat shit cray if you mess with my sleep cycle.
Paying rent/mortgage. Ugh the bane of my existence. It actually really grinds my gears to think about how much money leaves my bank account each and every month so that I can cook, sleep, and make sex in a house. I think about the travels that I could be taking, the adventures I could be going on, the good deeds I could be doing with that money and I think to myself, being an adult is a really shitty deal.
And now I am going to wash dishes, prepare my laundry for a riveting saturday at the laundry mat and, cringe as I use the last drop of my ridiculously over priced face products that promise to keep me young.
I can think back to this time when I was a teenager filled with angst, bitterness and, the belief that once I was an adult life would be so easy. That I would have a say and that I would have all the solutions to the problems that plagued my poor tortured 17 year old soul.
God. How naive. While I wouldn't necessarily jump back into my 17 year old life by any means I do wish that 17 year old me would have been a bit more carefree and a lot less of a cranky bitch.
Lets take a moment to discuss why being an adult is in fact for the birds and not for me.
First of all I have a serious problem with laundry. I am required to wear fancy pants to work. Those fancy pants find themselves on the floor within 3 minutes and 37 seconds of my arrival home. Which means that I have multiple outfits in one day that require washing. I just can't begin to fathom why I am 27 years old and I have yet to get to a point in my life where someone else does my laundry. Laundry is honestly killing my soul.
Next bone that I have to pick is with taxes. I mean explain to me how it is actually okay that the government gets to take some where between 500-700 dollars out of my paycheck every 2 weeks???? How is this fair!!! How is this just! Ugh it is just unbelievable and I can't. I can't deal with it. Every time I see it on my electronic pay stub I cringe. I literally feel ill.
Buying toilet paper, shampoo, face products, razors, etc. Nothing screams you are an adult quite like having to spend your hard earned money on wrinkle cream. It's the worst feeling in the world to fork over my hard earned money for toilet paper. I want to travel, shop for awesome clothes yet I have to budget for these shitty required items. I miss the days when toilet paper appeared in the cabinet, shampoo was purchased for me and appeared in the shower. I long for the days when laundry detergent flowed from its plastic spout freely like a waterfall in Hawaii. Those were the days.
I find myself excited over sales. No not the half yearly sale at Nordstroms. Not the semi annual sale at Vics. I am talking about when you find a sale on chicken. Or perhaps your favorite yogurt. This is what my life has come to. Excitement over sales at the grocery store.
I am quite literally outraged if I am kept up past 10:15 on work nights. There is no explanation needed for this. Just no that I will literally loose it, I mean go bat shit cray if you mess with my sleep cycle.
Paying rent/mortgage. Ugh the bane of my existence. It actually really grinds my gears to think about how much money leaves my bank account each and every month so that I can cook, sleep, and make sex in a house. I think about the travels that I could be taking, the adventures I could be going on, the good deeds I could be doing with that money and I think to myself, being an adult is a really shitty deal.
And now I am going to wash dishes, prepare my laundry for a riveting saturday at the laundry mat and, cringe as I use the last drop of my ridiculously over priced face products that promise to keep me young.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
4 months later I am?
So here we are in the latter part of January and the last actual post I wrote was sometime back in hmmmm August?
A lot can happen in 4 months.
A lot.
Like for example, 3 weddings, a breakup, a bachelorette party, a 27th birthday, 4 holidays, a baby being born, a new job, a new home, and did I mention a dash of serendipity?
Lets start at the top.
I had the pleasure of watching 3 amazing couples become husband and wife since we last talked. Each wedding was completely different. Each one was completely perfect. Each one was exactly right for each couple. I danced, I drank, I celebrated their love for one another. But at each one there was a little bit of bitter me rearing her ugly head. I love weddings but having one of my own and then having said marriage fail makes weddings a bitter sweet thing for me. I can remember the way I felt on that day, like nothing in the world could ever tear me away from this man I was devoting my life to. And to sit and watch two other people do the very same thing, knowing that I failed at this very thing...a hard thing to watch. I don't doubt any of these couples love and devotion for one another, if anything being in my shoes makes me pray that they never end up where I am. And it also makes me ache to find someone that I can love that way again.
Ah yes a breakup. I think I briefly mentioned a boyfriend on here back in August. Unfortunately distance played a large role in finding out that we were just two very different people, living in two very different places, wanting two very different things. And thus we went our separate ways.
My very best friend since I was just a wild girl in highschool had a beautiful baby girl just 10 days ago. She is a stunning beauty and I couldn't be more proud of Sarah. I have gotten to watch her as she has grown into a beautiful woman and now I get to stand by her side as she grows into an amazing mother. Watching her hold her baby like she has been doing it all of her life made me lose my breath for a moment. It is one of those "time" stops things. I am blessed beyond reason.
I turned 27. Yikes I feel old. But this year was the first year in quite a few that I didn't feel the need for a huge production. I went to the ocean and had a great time but there was no big shin-dig, there was no hand made unique dress. It was just me the people I love and some good drinks.
Oh hey I got a new job. Yes finally. You don't have to hear me complain about my terrible job anymore because I am now a full on nerd. Working in our "Health Informatics" department. Verifying information to be put into user profiles. Yeah. I know. All you really need to know is I stare at spreadsheets all day and I use two monitors. NERD ALERT.
With a new job came a move. I am now free and clear of papa chucks house and living in a new home with some close friends. Its been an adjustment. I miss my friends and wish they would come hang out with me but I guess this is all a part of growing up right?
Oh yeah Serendipity. And a Bachelorette party. Well it happened on a rainy night in September. My dear sorority sister Krystal wanted just one last night of fun as a single lady before she tied the knot the next weekend. So we decided to take the Washington State Alum to a football game. It just so happened that the football game occurred on the rainiest day in Seattle in like 10 years or something crazy. So after the freezing game we take ourselves over to a bar to try and milk our bachelorette status for some free drinks. Looking like a couple of drowned rats we start soliciting the patrons of the bar across the street from the stadium when what should appear before us? A gift from God or fate itself. I remember laying eyes on him and thinking to myself, "he is hot to trot!" and then immediately remembering I had on 10 layers my pants were soaking wet, my hair was a mess and I had just been sitting in the wind in rain for 3 hours. I was doomed. No hope for me whatsoever. And then like the great sister she is the bride swooped in and played wingwoman. Some how some way this beautiful man creature asked for my number and some how some way I managed to trick him into taking me to dinner and well folks the rest is history as they say. With a few more dinners, some bumps and growing pains we are still together now. This might be some sort of record.
I know this was sort of boring but I hope to get back to my regular non sense writing about how much I love shower beers, how my dogs are my true loves of my life and other important topics later this week.
Love ya nuggets thanks for sticking through my dry spell.
A lot can happen in 4 months.
A lot.
Like for example, 3 weddings, a breakup, a bachelorette party, a 27th birthday, 4 holidays, a baby being born, a new job, a new home, and did I mention a dash of serendipity?
Lets start at the top.
I had the pleasure of watching 3 amazing couples become husband and wife since we last talked. Each wedding was completely different. Each one was completely perfect. Each one was exactly right for each couple. I danced, I drank, I celebrated their love for one another. But at each one there was a little bit of bitter me rearing her ugly head. I love weddings but having one of my own and then having said marriage fail makes weddings a bitter sweet thing for me. I can remember the way I felt on that day, like nothing in the world could ever tear me away from this man I was devoting my life to. And to sit and watch two other people do the very same thing, knowing that I failed at this very thing...a hard thing to watch. I don't doubt any of these couples love and devotion for one another, if anything being in my shoes makes me pray that they never end up where I am. And it also makes me ache to find someone that I can love that way again.
Ah yes a breakup. I think I briefly mentioned a boyfriend on here back in August. Unfortunately distance played a large role in finding out that we were just two very different people, living in two very different places, wanting two very different things. And thus we went our separate ways.
My very best friend since I was just a wild girl in highschool had a beautiful baby girl just 10 days ago. She is a stunning beauty and I couldn't be more proud of Sarah. I have gotten to watch her as she has grown into a beautiful woman and now I get to stand by her side as she grows into an amazing mother. Watching her hold her baby like she has been doing it all of her life made me lose my breath for a moment. It is one of those "time" stops things. I am blessed beyond reason.
I turned 27. Yikes I feel old. But this year was the first year in quite a few that I didn't feel the need for a huge production. I went to the ocean and had a great time but there was no big shin-dig, there was no hand made unique dress. It was just me the people I love and some good drinks.
Oh hey I got a new job. Yes finally. You don't have to hear me complain about my terrible job anymore because I am now a full on nerd. Working in our "Health Informatics" department. Verifying information to be put into user profiles. Yeah. I know. All you really need to know is I stare at spreadsheets all day and I use two monitors. NERD ALERT.
With a new job came a move. I am now free and clear of papa chucks house and living in a new home with some close friends. Its been an adjustment. I miss my friends and wish they would come hang out with me but I guess this is all a part of growing up right?
Oh yeah Serendipity. And a Bachelorette party. Well it happened on a rainy night in September. My dear sorority sister Krystal wanted just one last night of fun as a single lady before she tied the knot the next weekend. So we decided to take the Washington State Alum to a football game. It just so happened that the football game occurred on the rainiest day in Seattle in like 10 years or something crazy. So after the freezing game we take ourselves over to a bar to try and milk our bachelorette status for some free drinks. Looking like a couple of drowned rats we start soliciting the patrons of the bar across the street from the stadium when what should appear before us? A gift from God or fate itself. I remember laying eyes on him and thinking to myself, "he is hot to trot!" and then immediately remembering I had on 10 layers my pants were soaking wet, my hair was a mess and I had just been sitting in the wind in rain for 3 hours. I was doomed. No hope for me whatsoever. And then like the great sister she is the bride swooped in and played wingwoman. Some how some way this beautiful man creature asked for my number and some how some way I managed to trick him into taking me to dinner and well folks the rest is history as they say. With a few more dinners, some bumps and growing pains we are still together now. This might be some sort of record.
I know this was sort of boring but I hope to get back to my regular non sense writing about how much I love shower beers, how my dogs are my true loves of my life and other important topics later this week.
Love ya nuggets thanks for sticking through my dry spell.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Is this thing on?
Um... Hello???
It's me Ashley.
I know we haven't talked in awhile.
And most of that was because I was busy running around trying to "find" myself.
Oh and pull myself out of a dark pit of negativity.
But good news, I'm back!
And better than ever.
Life has taken me on quite the ride in the last couple years and now I intend to take life on a ride.
So buckle up kids, this beautiful mess is back and ready to write!
It's me Ashley.
I know we haven't talked in awhile.
Oh and pull myself out of a dark pit of negativity.
But good news, I'm back!
And better than ever.
Life has taken me on quite the ride in the last couple years and now I intend to take life on a ride.
So buckle up kids, this beautiful mess is back and ready to write!
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| I've been working on my inner hipster since we last spoke FYI |
Friday, September 13, 2013
Sweet sweet Huskers
Anyway what I am really amped up on right now is the fact that my sweet, precious huskers. Yes my Huskers. They have been dishing out a couple of beatings over the last two weeks but tomorrow we face a real serious opponent.
My love for Nebraska football trumps my love of most things. What I wouldn’t give to be frolicking about in good ole’ Lincoln causing sheer mischief and mayhem. The unfortunate thing is that I fear my 26 going on 57 year old liver would never be able to hang. I fear my glory days have come and gone. The problem with my intense burning passion for Nebraska Football is that college game days fall on Saturdays. Why is this a problem you ask? Because it gives me the opportunity to either drown my sorrows after a loss or celebrate like there is no such thing as a hangover the next day. The fate of my Sunday is sitting comfortably in the hands of Taylor Martinez and Bo Pelini.
I like to play a game called shots for touchdowns. It makes football twice as much fun. If your team scores a touchdown you take a shot of something tasty and delicious, like the taste of sweet victory perhaps. If the other team scores a touchdown you serve yourself a shot of something utterly disgusting that puts tears in your eyes as a reminder of the burn and ache of loss. Last week Nebraska won 56-13. See where I am headed with this? It can be a whole lot of fun and a real bad Sunday.
People ask me all the time why a girl from Washington loves the Huskers so much. I wear a Nebraska t-shirt every game day without fail no matter what the day has in store for me and I wear my Nebraska badge pin every single day at work. I live and breathe for these guys. My family is from Nebraska and we lived in Nebraska for a very short period of time when I was in middle school. I try to go back to visit my family there every couple of years and something about Nebraska feels like home. I grew up watching Nebraska football and I grew up believing that they were the greatest college football team that there ever was. And I couldn’t agree more. Nebraska football is not just a team it is a legend. It is a way of life. Crap I am getting emotional.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Lets talk watershed and long distance
Oh hey, good morning my little nuggets. Shocking I know that I am bloggin in the morning hours! You know sometimes crazy things happen. Yesterday I posted pictures from watershed. Well a few of them at least. Today I tell you the tales of watershed. I went with two of my most favorite people in the entire world. My best friend from home and one of
my closest sorority sisters. Oh the fun we had.
Trashley in her usual style of loving any event that allows her to dress up in some sort of costume like attire purchased us t-shirts that said "white girl wasted".
Well I can't just strap on a t-shirt and not live the message.
So White Girl Wasted I became.
All weekend long.
Not only did Trashley sport a white girl wasted shirt all weekend long but she also managed to find herself an american flag one piece. And a giant inflatable swan.
I am telling you guys watershed is mindblowing. We frolicked all around the gorge for 3 days and I came back with most of my dignity, didn't throw up once and I even managed not to get a sunburn this year either!
I like to consider watershed to be my "last hooray" if you will.
And by that I mean this girl went and got herself a boyfriend.
Yes me.
Yes the girl who hates relationships.
The girl who runs the other way at the mere mention of commitment.
I got a boyfriend. And a real wonderful one at that.
He is sweet and calm and honest.
There is something about his ability to deal with my craziness that puts me at ease.
We met in May and didn't really become a full fledged item until over the weekend when he was here.
Yes here. He lives 2.5 hours away.
It sucks.
But he does a fantastic job of putting my worries to rest and re assuring me that we can figure this out.
He supports me and knows exactly what to say to talk me down when I am on an emotional rampage.
Thy bearded man really has me smitten!
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Oooh hey guys! Looks like I am alive after all! Weird it sort of feels like I dropped off the planet. That may be because I have been far too busy to even pretend I have a blog. Anyway so many fun things have occured over the last few weeks! Where does one even begin?
Well that all appears to be a good start right? Phew! Archery tournaments, watershed, zoo trips and being made of honor oh my!! Details to follow my loves I promise!
Friday, July 26, 2013
Dear Hudson
Dear Hudson,
It's me your Aunt Ashley. You know the one who you like to run away from, chase, scream "NO" at and even occasionally you like to sit on me while I try to read to you. Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that if you would be so kind I would really appreciate it if you would slow it down a bit. You really have grown up much too fast. I can still remember the first time I heard your little heart beat or felt you kick. Oh how my heart tingled and I couldn't help but smile.
I remember the moment that I saw you for the very first time. There you were screaming like a wild man with a head full of jet black hair. Little did we know that you would continue to scream like that...I mean how can you be 2 years old already? It was just a few weeks ago we were putting a man-band on you to keep your flowing locks right out of your eyes.
Oh the days where you would lounge around in your bear footsie jammies and cuddle on the couch. Do you even remember milk comas? Oh sweet little angel boy how I love you so very much and my heart breaks and aches to know you are quickly becoming a tiny little man. Just stop please!
I want you to know that I wish so many things for you. First and foremost I want you to know you are loved beyond words. You my little lover bear, my little wolverine are loved deeper than the ocean. You my little wild man, naughty pants are loved by so many but most of all you are loved by our God. He created you especially for all of us to love and oh what a gift you are to us. You have a spirit that cannot be broken and when you smile the whole world stops. I can't imagine the man that you will become as you grow up.
I hope with all my heart you grow into a man that learns respect and honor before all things. I doubt that your mother will ever allow anything less but just incase remember that this is something I pray for. I wish for you that knowledge comes easy and that you know that you can't learn everything in a classroom. But even more so I hope you quickly figure out that you still have to do the work in there anyway. I hope you learn that hardwork and perseverence will always get you where you want and that all good things do come to those that wait but that you must do the work to get where you want. Please do not ever become entitled. Know within your heart that all things are a gift from God and that He has blessed you with these gifts so that you can do His work. Fill your life with beautiful things and people who bring beauty to you. Always protect your cousins even if you are the youngest. I hope that you and Gavin are always best friends. Know that success is not always measured by money that is a measure of happiness and the feeling of being content. Take care of your mother she has a gentle heart and she loves you with all that she is.
My dearest Hudson I cannot begin to tell you how much a gift you are to me. Know that with each year of your life I only love you more.
Love,
Auntie Ashley
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Oh heeeeey.....
This summer has been one of those summers where I feel like I never get a moment to stop and catch up.
I know this shouldn't be a subject of complaint.
I mean it totally sucks that I have so much stuff to do with all my favorite people all summer long.
Honestly though between work being a hot mess, gymnastics 3 times a week, and a constant schedule of events every weekend I am almost ready for it to be winter.
Said no one ever.
So what have I been up to these warm summer months?
Well you would know ifyou followed my on the instagrizz... (@amitch210)
Shameless plug I know.
Okay, Okay I'll get on with it.
I have been to Portland for the 4th of July and floated a river with my big sis.
I have ate, I have dieted, I have lost 10 pounds!
Bridal showers, bite of seattle and pool parties oh my!
Coming up the Archery tournament. Oh just you wait for the photos to come.
Watershed better known as Shit show.
Weddings, Bachorelette parties, the Zoo with my little baby boys and more trips to Portland.
This summer I have been to Portland 2 times already and will go 2 more.
I will go to Spokane 2 times and the Gorge 1 time.
I am really putting in my miles this summer.
But this has been one of the most amazing summers yet.
I know this shouldn't be a subject of complaint.
I mean it totally sucks that I have so much stuff to do with all my favorite people all summer long.
Honestly though between work being a hot mess, gymnastics 3 times a week, and a constant schedule of events every weekend I am almost ready for it to be winter.
Said no one ever.
So what have I been up to these warm summer months?
Well you would know ifyou followed my on the instagrizz... (@amitch210)
Shameless plug I know.
Okay, Okay I'll get on with it.
I have been to Portland for the 4th of July and floated a river with my big sis.
We ate we drank and we frolicked.
I have sat in the sun and forced my fur babies into the water.
I have sat in a creek with my little mini me.I have ate, I have dieted, I have lost 10 pounds!
Bridal showers, bite of seattle and pool parties oh my!
Coming up the Archery tournament. Oh just you wait for the photos to come.
Watershed better known as Shit show.
Weddings, Bachorelette parties, the Zoo with my little baby boys and more trips to Portland.
This summer I have been to Portland 2 times already and will go 2 more.
I will go to Spokane 2 times and the Gorge 1 time.
I am really putting in my miles this summer.
But this has been one of the most amazing summers yet.
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| We are just so patriotic |
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| My poor babies |
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| My sweet big sis and I floating away |
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| Me and my Mini Me |
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| Ahhh my city Bite of Seattle never does me wrong |
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| Our last hooray before a little someone got a bun in the oven! |
I promise to take about a million and a half photos of the tournament and watershed and then perhaps I will even be able to sit down and right a flippin recap. Yeah maybe.
See ya chicken nuggets!
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