How many times have I said that I am sorry for dropping off the map?
How many times have I made 101 excuses as to why this little blog has seen so little of me?
Too many to count thats all I know.
But you know what I don't have any excuses.
The only reason why I haven't blogged is simply because I didn't want to.
I wanted to spend hours curled up in bed with my boyfriend.
I wanted to spend hours crafting, planning, making my best friends wedding a reality.
I wanted to spend hours watching tv.
I wanted to spend hours creating yummy food.
This blog became a chore, something I was doing out of obligation, because if I wanted it to be good I had to write every day. I had to spend 2+hours creating a post.
And if anyone knows me they know I don't like to do anything because I HAVE TO.
So I didn't.
And I enjoyed life.
And I frolicked.
And I did nothing.
And I did a lot of things.
But then a few weeks ago the boyfriend moved in with me.
And things got weird.
I started to feel like a housewife.
I started to feel like all I did was cook, clean, grocery shop, repeat.
All the while working my 40+ hour a week job.
And I realized I don't do anything for me.
I cook for me, yes that is true, but when you have another person relying on you for dinner its different.
I did laundry, I did dishes, I made beds, I mopped and sweeped.
I grocery shopped (which oddly enough is one of my most favorite shopping trips).
I crafted and I planned for a wedding that isn't mine.
I did a lot for other people.
And granted manfriend is basically a dream because he does dishes every night without being asked and the majority of the time he does his own laundry. The man has the patience of a saint and I adore him so don't let me make you feel like he is taking advantage.
But what was I doing for ME?
I wasn't writing.
I wasn't exercising. (because why would I? I hate exercise...)
I wasn't cooking for me for fun. (thanks diet you suck)
I was taking care of everything and everyone but I was getting lost in the mean time.
And that my friends is a tragedy.
When I got married all those years ago... 7 to be exact. I got lost. I lost myself in the idea that I was a wife and my sole purpose was to take care of my husband and my home. I lost my friends, I lost my identity and I definitely lost my voice. I vowed on the day I left that I would NEVER EVER be in that place again.
Yet I have found myself 7 years later lost. And I refuse to go wandering down this road for too long. If I am going to be lost its going to be in the right direction.
I want to write. For me, for you to read but mostly so I don't ruin my relationship because I feel so trapped and like I am "just over here cooking, cleaning, and taking care of EVERYTHING" because I am not, I truly am not but it feels that way when your day becomes nothing but a routine.
I want to exercise. Yes I want to exercise. So I feel good about this body God has given me. I need to take care of it and keep it going.
I want to get lost in Him again. Its been far too long since my heart has spoken to God. It has been far too long since I listened to His teachings. It has been far too long since I was lost in His love. And that is a crying shame because I know how good HE is. I know but I have been too selfish and lazy to seek him.
I don't know how you mama's do it. I don't know how you juggle your needs and desires with a baby, 2 babies, 18 babies and a husband.
I do know that I will try to write. For me, for you to read, to feel connected to something meaningful. I do know it wont be 5 days a week. I make no promises. I make no promises that it will even be worth reading either! But I want to. I want to so badly.
Stay tuned chicken nuggets.