Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Get drunk, get fat, get happy.

Can we just talk about all of these "I love my boyfriend and husband posts right now"?
Or the show you're man he is the best posts?
Look we all know you love your man, otherwise why the would you be with him.
And obviously he is amazing because he takes 101 million pictures of you for your blog and or poses for said pictures with you.
I get it he is great.
But he isn't great all the time.
No I don't expect anyone to air their dirty laundry on le blog but lets get real ladies your man pisses you off.
Odds are tomorrow on the day of love he is gonna piss you off.
You probably thought of this amazing spectacular gift for him, put a ton of thought into it, made sure he would love it, crafted until your fingers bled, and spent way too much money.
Odds are he thought about your gift like yesterday.
Okay, okay I am being harsh not all men are procrastinators and I am sure some of you will be showered with amazing michael kors watches, tory burch flats, beautiful sparkling jewels and all sorts of other lovely gifts.
But why is it SOOOO important that this happens tomorrow?
I'll tell you this I would rather be with a man who goes out of his way to do the small things every day than one that drops a boatload on one day.
Fold my laundry and I promise you will get laid buddy.
Take my pups for a walk, automatic nookie sesh.
Do the dishes? Don't even get me started!

Look I'm not trying to be all negative nancy and rain on everyones love parade but can we be real?

Most of us are going to spend our valentines day a lot like I have spent my last hmmmm 10.
With a meal fit for a fat kid and a man hating comedy.
And guess what, I pretty much love it that way.
I love that I have no expectations for this day of love.
While the rest of the population is waiting on pins and needles to see if the guy will rock their socks off I'm over here like "hey y'all I just wanna get drunk get fat and be happy."


Last year on valentines day I got a flat tire on my way to my boyfriends.
I immediately had to go get said tire fixed which after an hour of waiting they informed me they couldnt get my damn tire off my car so I said air that bitch up and I'll take it to my man.
On the way I stopped for a cheeseburger and a chicken sandwich which I inhaled in 3 minutes.
Upon my arrival le boyfriend (also known as I broke up with you because you wear too much make up guy) had to bring himself out into the cold of the parking lot lay on the ground hammering at my tire for 30 minutes before getting it off and then put my spare on. What a gem.


Guess what I got him for ole' love day?
A costco pack of his favorite kind of gum.
Guess what he got me?
80 bucks worth of cheese. Which I cut and placed on a cheese plate while he showered.
And that folks was probably the best valentines day I have had with a signifcant other.

My point is, I have always been my best valentine.
I know exactly what I like.
Tomorrow after I coach those 6, 5 year olds at gymnastics and shower them with ring pops and all sorts of sugary treats I will go  home eat something smothered in gravy and drink a bottle of cucumber vodka.
And I'm gonna be pretty happy too.
Like I always say folks:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Whiskey is cheaper than dinner for two!


Real talk chicken nuggets real talk.





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