Thursday, March 14, 2013

A quarter life crisis.

News flash chicken nuggets, life is tough.
It can be a real SOB if you know what I mean.
Sometimes I think to myself, wow this life sure is amazing, like a tub full of gravy amazing.

me saying life is amazing!
And then I have these days where nothing seems to fit right. Nothing seems to make any sense.
Those days I want to curl up in bed and never get out. My personal sanctuary.

One shot to do it right

Lucky for me those days have become fewer and further between in the more recent days.
But not so long ago I was fighting the not so good fight every day.
I'm talking about my old friends anxiety and depression.
This year they really came in hot and heavy for me.
I usually do suffer from some mild winter blues if you will.
Nothing that I can't usually fight myself through with a little determination and some prayers to the Man upstairs.

This year was different, I was convincing myself to get out of bed, I was begging and pleading with myself to go out and do something anything other than lay lifeless in my bed, I had to reassure myself that I didn't need to cry just because the person on the telephone was having a bad day. It was not good. I was a hot mess. An emotional trainwreck headed straight for quarter life crisis time.
I had realized it was time to go see my doctor when I had lost 10 pounds, had little to no desire to eat, which if anyone knows me at all knows that is not ok, I couldn't sleep and I wanted nothing to do with the living world of humans.

an appropriate description of my 20's

To the doctor I went and she assured me that I was infact suffering from some slight mild depression and anxiety. I have always been leary of medication because I have seen it negatively effect people I love but I was desperate to feel like myself.
My doctor started me on a low dose of prozac and told me to seek counseling.
And like the good little patient I am I did exactly that.

I didn't feel like the old me right away. I didn't pop that magic blue pill and immediately feel like I was living the dream. But I felt like I could have reasonable responses to things around me.
My world was no longer crashing down around me because someone cut me off in traffic.
I was no longer on the verge of a complete emotional break down because someone looked at me funny.

Slowly but surely I started to feel ok.

And counseling. Oh counseling how I love thee.
I honestly look forward to my 45 minutes of venting and pondering with that sweet man I call my counselor.
He brings insight to my questions and poses legitimate theories that I would never have thought about.
He reassures me that some of my feelings are valid while others are hurting me.
I am an avid believer that everyone needs a nonbiased outsider to give you some clarity.
Clarity is what I get every other Wednesday.

Does this mean sometimes I don't feel like my life is moving backwards?
Obviously not.
3 years ago I was married (unhappily but married none the less) I had my own 2 bedroom apartment that was furnished and decorated to my liking.
I had a job I enjoyed, friends that I loved and felt like I was an established adult creating a life for myself and the man I loved.
I have days where I look around me and wonder "what the hell am I doing?".
I am alone, living with my dad for the first time since I was 18 while all my friends are in serious relationships, getting married and having babies.

Sometimes I struggle to understand that even though it feels like I have gone backwards in all reality I have moved forward.

I left a relationship that was emotionally abusive. While on the outside I had all the things that it seemed I wanted my heart and spirit were being broken day after day.
There is not a day of the week, a moment in time when I would want to go back to that time of pain and uncertainty, constantly questioning my own strength and sanity.

So sometimes I have to take a deep breath, take a blue pill, get some clarity and remember it is all part of God's plan.

Designed with love by BDD