Dear Hudson

Dear Hudson,

 It's me your Aunt Ashley. You know the one who you like to run away from, chase, scream "NO" at and even occasionally you like to sit on me while I try to read to you. Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that if you would be so kind I would really appreciate it if you would slow it down a bit. You really have grown up much too fast. I can still remember the first time I heard your little heart beat or felt you kick. Oh how my heart tingled and I couldn't help but smile.

I remember the moment that I saw you for the very first time. There you were screaming like a wild man with a head full of jet black hair. Little did we know that you would continue to scream like that...I mean how can you be 2 years old already? It was just a few weeks ago we were putting a man-band on you to keep your flowing locks right out of your eyes.

Oh the days where you would lounge around in your bear footsie jammies and cuddle on the couch. Do you even remember milk comas? Oh sweet little angel boy how I love you so very much and my heart breaks and aches to know you are quickly becoming a tiny little man. Just stop please!

I want you to know that I wish so many things for you. First and foremost I want you to know you are loved beyond words. You my little lover bear, my little wolverine are loved deeper than the ocean. You my little wild man, naughty pants are loved by so many but most of all you are loved by our God. He created you especially for all of us to love and oh what a gift you are to us. You have a spirit that cannot be broken and when you smile the whole world stops. I can't imagine the man that you will become as you grow up.

I hope with all my heart you grow into a man that learns respect and honor before all things. I doubt that your mother will ever allow anything less but just incase remember that this is something I pray for. I wish for you that knowledge comes easy and that you know that you can't learn everything in a classroom. But even more so I hope you quickly figure out that you still have to do the work in there anyway. I hope you learn that hardwork and perseverence will always get you where you want and that all good things do come to those that wait but that you must do the work to get where you want. Please do not ever become entitled. Know within  your heart that all things are a gift from God and that He has blessed you with these gifts so that you can do His work. Fill your life with beautiful things and people who bring beauty to you. Always protect your cousins even if you are the youngest. I hope that you and Gavin are always best friends. Know that success is not always measured by money that is a measure of happiness and the feeling of being content. Take care of your mother she has a gentle heart and she loves you with all that she is.

My dearest Hudson I cannot begin to tell you how much a gift you are to me. Know that with each year of your life I only love you more.

Love,

Auntie Ashley

Oh heeeeey.....

This summer has been one of those summers where I feel like I never get a moment to stop and catch up.
I know this shouldn't be a subject of complaint.
I mean it totally sucks that I have so much stuff to do with all my favorite people all summer long.
Honestly though between work being a hot mess, gymnastics 3 times a week, and a constant schedule of events every weekend I am almost ready for it to be winter.
Said no one ever.

So what have I been up to these warm summer months?
Well you would know ifyou followed my on the instagrizz... (@amitch210)
Shameless plug I know.

Okay, Okay I'll get on with it.
I have been to Portland for the 4th of July and floated a river with my big sis.

We ate we drank and we frolicked.

I have sat in the sun and forced my fur babies into the water.

I have sat in a creek with my little mini me.
I have ate, I have dieted, I have lost 10 pounds!
Bridal showers, bite of seattle and pool parties oh my!
Coming up the Archery tournament. Oh just you wait for the photos to come.
Watershed better known as Shit show.
Weddings, Bachorelette parties, the Zoo with my little baby boys and more trips to Portland.
This summer I have been to Portland 2 times already and will go 2 more.
I will go to Spokane 2 times and the Gorge 1 time.
I am really putting in my miles this summer.
But this has been one of the most amazing summers yet.

We are just so patriotic



My poor babies

My sweet big sis and I floating away

Me and my Mini Me

Ahhh my city Bite of Seattle never does me wrong

Our last hooray before a little someone got a bun in the oven!

I promise to take about a million and a half photos of the tournament and watershed and then perhaps I will even be able to sit down and right a flippin recap. Yeah maybe.

See ya chicken nuggets!

She's my person.

Today is a special day indeed.
Today is my persons birthday.
You know my person.
The Meredith Grey to my Christina Yang.
So here's a little something to let ya know just how much I love ya...

Dearest Bridgett,

You my dear are a bright shining star. I just don't know how I could possibly get through the last few months without you. I hope and pray that from today for the rest of time you have the best birthdays that any girl could ever dream of. You are my person. You will keep me sane, protect me, track me down when I am a wayward soul and you will keep me in check when I get out of line. I can count on you to lift me up when I am down and dark, to tell me to shut up when I am complaining and being a real betch. For this I love you. You truly are my other half. My twin. I can't believe how much alike we truly are and I cannot for the life of me imagine another day of my life with out you in it. If you leave I'll find you! I pray that God brings love and joy into your life but also brings you enough trouble and challenges to teach you life's lessons. I pray that God brings you a lust for this life so that you can live each day with a hunger like none other. I adore you even when you are telling me the things I don't want to hear because that my love is why you are my person.

Love,
Twat.

She didn't know...

"She didn't know who would leave or stay. So she pushed them all away."

Ahh if this doesn’t begin to explain my thoughts and the tinkering of this little hear than I don't know what else possibly could. It's funny how we let fear and uncertainty rule our world. Gone are the days of hope and resilience and in its place are the dark shadows of bitterness and heart break. It is a sad thing when you go from glass half full to glass half empty. It is a pity when you prepare for the best yet expect the worst.

I have found myself slowly turning into a shell of my old existence. I have lost the light in my eyes and the warmness in my cheeks. My merriness has been consumed by darkness and the stone cold belief that this place is filled with dark cold pain. I find myself being consumed by anger over things that I never thought would drive me to an angry place. Where has my empathy gone to? Where has my patience evaporated to?

I have found myself more often than not sizing a relationship up based on whether I believe that I am going to be capable of enduring another painful let down. Is it worth putting my heart out on a silver platter just so that it can be mangled and torn apart? I find myself questioning whether I should put forth any effort in order to attempt to date; you know “find the one”.  Is it really worth it I say to myself? What for I say? Is it worth the let down? I keep finding myself turning my back on new relationships or the prospect of it at all because that means no prospect of pain, let down, anger. It won’t lead to me questioning once again whether it is me. Is it me? Am I the reason I can’t seem to find a good match? The constant questioning, the constant wondering… what is it all for? As I slowly drag myself down into a dirty dark cellar of what if’s.

Ah yes it is much easier to push you all away. The odds seem to be much more in my favor if I isolate myself altogether. I have my dogs; I have my dad what more do I need. Ah yes my booze. Don’t worry I don’t travel without it. Loneliness  is starting to become a good friend of mine and I am slowly but surely learning to enjoy his company.

This is who I have become. Because it is much easier to face this than the prospect of pain again.



The trouble is...

" The trouble is you think you have time" - Budda

Budda couldn't have said it better. Jesus couldn't have either. We meander through this life just thinking and feeling like those little things on our to do lists will get done eventually. There is always tomorrow, there is always time. But what happens when you suddenly realize time is running out. If you looked back on your time did you use it well? Did you use it wisely? Did you fullfill the desires of your heart?

I can say with my whole heart that I ache to see the world. I ache to spend days in the kitchen creating and working until I am covered in sweat and ingredients yet my heart is bursting at the seams I am so happy. I yearn to give up all of my worldly needs to buy a ticket and just go. The trouble is I keep telling myself "you have time." "now is not the time." "first you must do this..." " I'll do it once I have done this first." I don't have the time. My time is ticking. Anything is possible anything could happen. So why do I let all these circumstances keep me from seeking my hearts true desires?

This heart of mine has been through the ringer. Down and back if you knew the whole story. It's been beaten, kicked, stabbed, burned and broken more times than I can count and I yearn for it to be whole again. I yearn that I feel complete again. I yearn that in the dark chambers of my heart instead of bitterness and darkness that light would reside. I yearn to see the world and ask the questions I ponder so that I can put my heart together again.

I wonder frequently what would happen if I just packed it all up and went and explored the lay of the land. Got out there and saw the world and all of its grand sights. I want to wonder down the streets of an Italian village. I desire to sit and stare at the waters glistening off the Greek Isles. I dream of eating pizza in Naples and drinking a beer in Berlin. Oh how my heart hurts to do these things. Perhaps my heart is screaming from its hiding place waaaaay down deep in the darkness underneath heaps of concrete, wrapped in sound protective walls covered in quiksand guarded by a moat and burning arrows, fix me, take me on an adventure and I will be whole again.

So what is holding me back from this adventure that I so badly desire... I could make a list for days. But lets start with some obvious ones. I can't leave my babies behind. What about my 4 legged children? Where would they go? How could I survive with out their love and cuddles? Money. I can't afford it. I have to pay credit card bills, student loans, medical bills I have responsibilities and as the world has taught me those responsibilities come first... and fear. Fear of this big unknown world. Out in the world all alone just me and my thoughts. Me and my God. I am terrified of the things I would learn about myself, my faith and my heart.

But oh how that heart shouts just a little louder...each day a tiny bit louder...take me on an adventure darling.

Things that really chap my ass

It seems today I need to vent about the things in this life that really rub me raw.
Things that put a serious kink in my chain.
I suppose I could make about 50 of these list and never be done but thats because I complain by nature.
A terrible charatcteristic none the less it is one that I possess so I might as well own it.


1. People who act entightled. I encounter about 80 of these people on a daily basis at work. I moved into my position about 6 months ago. Before that the two women that worked at the desk had been here for a long time. I hear on average "Well if "Sally" was here I wouldn't have to do this,  she knows me." Oh really? She does? Does she have your address and insurance information memorized? Get real.

2. People who give me shit because I have decided to eat healthy and lose a few lbs. Sorry I decided to make a change before I became a beluga whale. Feel free so S-my-D at any time.

3. People who can go days without shaving their legs. You dirty little betches. I can't go 5 hours without a full blown 5'oclock shadow. Me and black leg hair are ruling the world.

4. People who don't deserve to be parents. Some people suck at taking care of themselves the last thing you should be doing is birthing a child that requires a lot of care and attention. Look I know that I shouldn't be responsible for another life thus I have chosen not to birth any.

5. Speaking of not birthing any children a sure fire way to really chap my ass is to tell me "oh you are young you will change your mind" when I say I don't want to have kids. Look I am 26 effin years old I think I can make an informed decision about not wanting to push a watermelon out of my grape sized hole. I think I can make an informed decision that I would much rather travel, sleep and blow my money on myself than changing shitty diapers and not sleeping at night. Could I possibly change my mind? Perhaps. But when I say I am not interested in birthing children you should take that as a statement of fact.

6. Vegans. You really piss me off.

7. I really really really get pissed when one of my kids comes to gymnastics class and they have mangled feet. Look I have to touch those little gremlin feet and I don't want to do it if they are covered in dirt smell like they took a walk right through a cat box and then topped it off by letting them stew in sweaty gym socks. WASH YO FEET!

8. Don't tell me how to take care of my dogs. They are mine. They are healthy, happy and fat. They love me with all their heart and soul and I love them back even more. So please don't tell me what food to feed them, how to treat their allergies or that I need to socialize them. I like my dogs to be like me, honey badgers. They don't give a shit about anyone but me.

9. Do not for one moment think that if you walk up to my desk at work and start talking about how incompetent one of my medical providers is that I am going to continue to be pleasant to you. You are being rude, and ignorant. Get out of my face.

10. People who call back without listening to their messages. You could probably save a step if you did that fools.

I totally read your blog!

Well you guys it was a wonderful weekend!
I ate.
I drank.
And I sunburned.
And I ain't mad about any of it!

Remember how I mentioned being on a little ole diet? This girl is down 8 lbs in a week and a half! WHOOHOOOO!

However if one more person says "ugh you are so small already why are you on a diet?"
Well because I ate food that was terrible for me.
Deep fried, covered in cheese and not lean.
So I decided I needed to change some habits because my family tree is full of cancer, heart disease and diabetes.
I just want to be healthy.
And I want my clothes to fit.
Slowly but surely my clothes were getting tighter, my gut was lookin a little bigger.
Look I don't think I am obese.
But I do know that that number on the scale was creeping to something I was uncomfortable with.
And I also know that the muffin top that was coming in hot was not something I wanted to see.
So why should I wait until I am huge and unacceptable to make a change?
I am just being proactive suckas get off my back.

Anyway on to other topics.

This weekend was fantastic the weather here in washington is breathtaking.

However as I was enjoying my 4th mimosa of the day at a family gathering my brother-in-laws brothers wife (say that 5 times fast) mentioned that she reads my blog and its saved in her favorites.

I can't lie my little heart went a littler pitter patter.
So this ones for you Brenda lou who!!!
Thanks for reading and making fun of me with myself!