She didn't know...

"She didn't know who would leave or stay. So she pushed them all away."

Ahh if this doesn’t begin to explain my thoughts and the tinkering of this little hear than I don't know what else possibly could. It's funny how we let fear and uncertainty rule our world. Gone are the days of hope and resilience and in its place are the dark shadows of bitterness and heart break. It is a sad thing when you go from glass half full to glass half empty. It is a pity when you prepare for the best yet expect the worst.

I have found myself slowly turning into a shell of my old existence. I have lost the light in my eyes and the warmness in my cheeks. My merriness has been consumed by darkness and the stone cold belief that this place is filled with dark cold pain. I find myself being consumed by anger over things that I never thought would drive me to an angry place. Where has my empathy gone to? Where has my patience evaporated to?

I have found myself more often than not sizing a relationship up based on whether I believe that I am going to be capable of enduring another painful let down. Is it worth putting my heart out on a silver platter just so that it can be mangled and torn apart? I find myself questioning whether I should put forth any effort in order to attempt to date; you know “find the one”.  Is it really worth it I say to myself? What for I say? Is it worth the let down? I keep finding myself turning my back on new relationships or the prospect of it at all because that means no prospect of pain, let down, anger. It won’t lead to me questioning once again whether it is me. Is it me? Am I the reason I can’t seem to find a good match? The constant questioning, the constant wondering… what is it all for? As I slowly drag myself down into a dirty dark cellar of what if’s.

Ah yes it is much easier to push you all away. The odds seem to be much more in my favor if I isolate myself altogether. I have my dogs; I have my dad what more do I need. Ah yes my booze. Don’t worry I don’t travel without it. Loneliness  is starting to become a good friend of mine and I am slowly but surely learning to enjoy his company.

This is who I have become. Because it is much easier to face this than the prospect of pain again.