Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The trouble is...

" The trouble is you think you have time" - Budda

Budda couldn't have said it better. Jesus couldn't have either. We meander through this life just thinking and feeling like those little things on our to do lists will get done eventually. There is always tomorrow, there is always time. But what happens when you suddenly realize time is running out. If you looked back on your time did you use it well? Did you use it wisely? Did you fullfill the desires of your heart?

I can say with my whole heart that I ache to see the world. I ache to spend days in the kitchen creating and working until I am covered in sweat and ingredients yet my heart is bursting at the seams I am so happy. I yearn to give up all of my worldly needs to buy a ticket and just go. The trouble is I keep telling myself "you have time." "now is not the time." "first you must do this..." " I'll do it once I have done this first." I don't have the time. My time is ticking. Anything is possible anything could happen. So why do I let all these circumstances keep me from seeking my hearts true desires?

This heart of mine has been through the ringer. Down and back if you knew the whole story. It's been beaten, kicked, stabbed, burned and broken more times than I can count and I yearn for it to be whole again. I yearn that I feel complete again. I yearn that in the dark chambers of my heart instead of bitterness and darkness that light would reside. I yearn to see the world and ask the questions I ponder so that I can put my heart together again.

I wonder frequently what would happen if I just packed it all up and went and explored the lay of the land. Got out there and saw the world and all of its grand sights. I want to wonder down the streets of an Italian village. I desire to sit and stare at the waters glistening off the Greek Isles. I dream of eating pizza in Naples and drinking a beer in Berlin. Oh how my heart hurts to do these things. Perhaps my heart is screaming from its hiding place waaaaay down deep in the darkness underneath heaps of concrete, wrapped in sound protective walls covered in quiksand guarded by a moat and burning arrows, fix me, take me on an adventure and I will be whole again.

So what is holding me back from this adventure that I so badly desire... I could make a list for days. But lets start with some obvious ones. I can't leave my babies behind. What about my 4 legged children? Where would they go? How could I survive with out their love and cuddles? Money. I can't afford it. I have to pay credit card bills, student loans, medical bills I have responsibilities and as the world has taught me those responsibilities come first... and fear. Fear of this big unknown world. Out in the world all alone just me and my thoughts. Me and my God. I am terrified of the things I would learn about myself, my faith and my heart.

But oh how that heart shouts just a little louder...each day a tiny bit louder...take me on an adventure darling.

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