I see this as a flaw of mine. And it was never because I felt like I NEEDED to be with someone. Maybe I am just too big of a flirt and believe that you never will know what you really want in a partner if you don't try different things.
|Exhibit A the ex husband|
|Exhibit B an ex boyfriend from highschool|
|Exhibit C the heart breaking ex...|
You get the picture....
Maybe thats why I have been on SOOO many blind dates.
I guess I always look at it as a free meal one way or the other!
Anyway my point it that for the first time in as long as I can remember I have been unattached since March.
At first of course I was heartbroken (to the say the least) after a pretty rough break up with someone I was starting to really fall for the last thing I wanted or needed was a relationship. I am a firm believer of getting back on the horse so I tested the water went on a few dates and still continue to go out on dates from time to time.
But I know in my heart I am not ready for a relationship. I am still hurt deeply by my last actual boyfriend. I am still healing.
But for the first time I am totally okay with the fact that I am alone. That I am completely unattached.
I am okay.
In fact I am completely terrified of the idea of being in a relationship right now. The mere thought of it sends me into a panic. My chest tightens, my smile turns into a tight lipped frown, my scowl lines become etched on my face. Its bad. Real bad.
But its okay. Its okay that I am 25 almost 26 and I am alone.
In fact its pretty fantastic because I get to do whatever I want.
I want to come home and do absolutely nothing? Awesome. Done.
I want to watch chick flicks all night long? No prob who is stopping me?
I wanna hop in the car and drive three hours to the middle of no where with my best friend just because we wanna get away? Perfect what time do we leave?
I want to wear my ratty sweats with no bra and no make up all day long? Who cares!
I love that! I love that for once in my life it is all about me. Its all about what I want, when I want it and I have no guilt.
I am free to do as I wish and it is a beautiful thing.
Do I miss that man that I was falling head over heels for? Absolutely.
Do I miss how incredibly happy I was when we were together? All the time.
Do I miss having a companion? With my whole heart.
What I don't miss is being with someone who wasn't real with me.
I don't miss being with someone who wasn't honest with me about how they felt when thats all I ever expected.
So being free? It ain't so bad. I know my time will come when a man walks into my life and takes my breath away. He will sweep me off my feet and I will be overcome with happiness in his presence.
For now though, I think I will take this single train downtown. I mean if I had a boyfriend would I get to go on crazy adventures with this lady that lead us to a tiny middle of no where farm town? Probably not and I wouldn't trade it for the world!
So this is me saying to anyone else out there that is terrified, has had their heart broken, is waiting for Mr. Amazingly Right instead of Mr. I-had-to-settle, its okay we are alone. In fact its pretty fantastic!
Love ya nuggets!